You know what the talk is right? The conversation every parent knows will come but is secretly nervous about. The infamous “birds and the bees” talk. The talk is good, it’s designed to instruct our children and give relational pathways to think and live according to God’s beautiful design of sexuality. It also lovingly gives warnings about living outside God’s design and encouragements for pursuing purity within the blessed hope of His promises.
I have realized that the talk I had with my eldest son is not the same talk I will be having with my youngest son. The truth has not changed, but the world they live in has. As many of you know, transgenderism has become a part of our national dialog and is moving directly into the educational curriculum in America. The conversation on the playgrounds and in our neighborhoods about the birds and the bees is changing. How should parents respond?
In his helpful book on the transgender debate, Andrew Walker asks the question, “How will you respond to the topic of transgenderism?”
Will you shrug your shoulders in disbelief and avoid the topic altogether, leaving your child to be informed and have their opinions shaped by only the outside world? Will you respond in mocking disbelief, tell your kids “Those people are crazy. They just need to know what it means to be a man or a woman. And that will take care of it.” Will you panic, withdraw your child from school and aim to shield them from this and everything else that is wrong ‘out there’ in the world? Or will you sit down and have a difficult and honest conversation about a challenging topic that their young minds may find difficult to understand? You can’t avoid your child having this conversation, sooner or later. The question is whether your child will have it with you, or with someone else.[1]
As you begin to consider how to respond to the topic of transgenderism with your children, let me give you some foundational guidelines to shape your talking points for when the topic becomes relevant in your home.
Be Proactive (Deut. 6:4-9; Col. 1:28-29)
Loving authority embraces the responsibility to lead, instruct, and care for those they oversee. Parents should work diligently to think about and understand the biblical principles relating to this issue. Read, research, and biblically prepare to actively invest in the hearts of your children as you would with all the other issues in their life.
Conversation is Key (I Thess. 2:8-9; James 1:19; Prov. 20:5)
I Thessalonians 2:8-9 shows that the role of communicating the truth of the gospel is not just giving information, but is in the context of relationship. Speak to your child with an understanding of their age and maturity. This isn’t an effort to contextualize meaning, but to adjust the process of communication in a way the person can understand.
The ultimate goal is not just to address the issues, but to help your child think about these issues from a distinctively biblical worldview. Help your child build a framework for cultivating discernment and wisdom and not simply for winning a debate. Listen to them; connect with what they are thinking and how they are responding. Discussions like this don’t happen all at once. These conversations should happen over time in a relational context keeping pace with the growth of their maturity. Remember, you want your children to know your relationship is the best place to have honest and safe conversations about any topic, and in particular topics relating to sexuality.
Speak the Truth in Love (Gen. 1-3; Eph. 2:11-22; 4:1-3, 12-15, 29)
There needs to be confidence in the heart of your child that they can rely upon you to speak the truth in love. Build upon the foundational truth that God has made humans male and female. He designed them equal in dignity and they are complementarily different biologically and functionally. Highlight that gender isn’t defined by cultural characterizations but biblical truth. We don’t get to choose what defines male and female, God does.
However, we live in a broken world. As a result, there are people who don’t like the way God made them and feel that they were born different than the gender of their bodies. They try to deal with their challenges on their own. They want to live outside of God’s design and not follow what He commanded. Help your child understand that fixing their gender is not going to fix the real problem, the common human struggle of identifying yourself outside of God’s design. The only real place to address this core issue is to understand the hope and help that comes through the gospel of Jesus Christ.[2]
Transgender People Are People (I Cor. 6:9-11; I Pet. 2:17; Luke 15:20)
Remember, those who struggle with gender dysphoria are people, not problems. Every human understands what it’s like to deal with the implications of unwanted sinful desires. Once we realize that we are all broken and in need of change, we begin to see people and not transgender. We should help our children understand that displaying compassion and respect to another human being made in the image of God is not compromising the truth.[3]
Creatively explore with your child ways that display compassion and respectfully disagree with others who might not believe what you believe. Haven’t you had to model those same biblical principles with loved ones in your life, like the alcoholic neighbor or the gay relative? Practice and model what a kind greeting, a thoughtful disposition, and engaged conversation with a transgender person would look like as an ambassador of Jesus Christ. Jesus found many different ways to relate to people. His encounters were different (tax collector, leper, adulterous woman, scribes) but the goal was always the same- to model and proclaim the kingdom of God in a manner that connected with their reality. Might we help our children live accordingly.[4]
Trust in Your God and His Word (Prov. 3:5-7; I Pet. 1:3-9)
All things considered, the topic of transgenderism is not a matter of biology, culture, or stereotypes. It’s about authority. When there are seemingly endless questions and scenarios that are still to be navigated, we can live honestly and trust that God is who He says He is. We can trust His character and His promises to live life. It’s ok to not know the answer to every question. Help your child understand that you both can explore and find the answers together in God’s Word. This gives us hope and confidence not in ourselves, rhetoric, or debates, but in the God who is Lord over all, who gave us His inerrant Word for all things in life and godliness. Our hope and confidence is found in these truths alone, even while navigating through the unscripted conversations of sexuality with our children.
Final Thoughts
These are remarkable days to live as a Christian. The influence of our national dialog is not limited to elite influencers and exclusive roundtable meetings, but societal thinking and ideals have moved into the everyday conversations in our homes. This should compel us to humbly and courageously bring truth to those that we love in refined ways with the hope and help of the gospel.
Questions for Reflection
What other relevant issues besides transgenderism do we need to discuss with our children? How can you intentionally adjust your process of communication to help your child understand these issues?
[1] Andrew T. Walker and R. Albert Mohler, God and the Transgender Debate: What Does the Bible Actually Say about Gender Identity (Denmark: The Good Book Co., 2017), 134.
[2] Jonathan Holmes, “I Don’t Know Caitlyn Jenner.” Biblical Counseling Coalition, 15 June 2015, biblicalcounselingcoalition.org/2015/06/15/i-dont-know-caitlyn-jenner/.
[3] Mark Spansel, “How to Talk to Your Kids About Gender.” TGC – The Gospel Coalition, www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/how-to-talk-to-your-kids-about-gender.
[4] Brad Hambrick, “Talking to My Boys after the Transgender Talk at Their Public School.” Brad Hambrick, 16 May 2016, www.bradhambrick.com/talking-to-my-boys-after-the-transgender-talk-at-their-public-school/.
Joe Keller (D.Min.) serves as the Dean of Students at the Master’s University and teaches in the Biblical Counseling Department. In addition to hanging out with college students, Joe enjoys reading theology, being outdoors, and laughing with his wife, Heidi, and their four children.
