I think most of us know the biblical roles of the husband and the wife. The husband is to be his wife’s lover, learner, and leader. The wife is to be his finisher (helper, Gen. 2:18), his fan (respect him, Eph. 5:33), and his follower (submit to him, Eph. 5:22-24): finisher, fan, follower. But there are times when things don’t go quite as planned.
Sometimes a wife comes alone for counseling because she’s at the end of her rope. She feels frustrated because, in her estimation, her husband is not taking the spiritual lead in the family. She feels like she’s shouldering a responsibility that isn’t hers. This real problem dates back to Genesis 3 when Adam didn’t take the lead in protecting his wife, and roles reversed when she encountered the serpent in the Garden.
Things to Consider
It is important to keep in mind that I’m only hearing one side of the story (Prov. 18:17), so I must be careful not to take sides. I’m on God’s side. With that in mind, I must ensure that each counseling session doesn’t become a gripe session about her husband.
A man can be reluctant to lead for various reasons. He may never have seen it modeled as he was growing up. He may feel spiritually inferior to his wife. Maybe he’s tried to lead, and she was critical or unsatisfied, so he gave up. Maybe he is spiritually indifferent to the role God has ordained for him.
The goal is not to help her change her husband. God’s Word talks a lot about change, but it’s directed at each of us as individuals. God’s Word doesn’t command us or teach us how to change other people. He’s showing us how we should change, even in (or especially in) difficult circumstances. The goal is for her to learn to please God whether or not her husband leads (2 Cor. 5:9).
This counselee is suffering, and I don’t want to minimize that. I want to show her compassion. Living with a passive husband is hard and sad and not part of God’s revealed design for marriage.
But this counselee is also a sinner. I will encourage her to look at the log in her own eye first (Matt. 7:5).
Where Do I Start?
I want to ask good questions to gather data and background information to discern the heart issues. Here are some questions I would like to ask:
- How did she meet her husband?
- What did she know about him and his character before they got engaged? Did she have any concerns (but chose to marry him anyway)?
- How would she describe her relationship with the Lord and his relationship with the Lord while they were dating?
- What character qualities attracted her to him?
- What does a husband who leads look like to her? What are her expectations of him in their marriage? What is influencing her answer to these questions—her own ideas or God’s Word?
- Is she in the habit of comparing her husband to other men she knows and respects?
- How is she responding to the hardships in her marriage?
- What is her husband doing right? How has she responded to that?
- What does her relationship with the Lord look like right now, and is she growing?
I want to listen carefully and ask clarifying questions rather than assume I know the answers. To give her hope, I want to emphasize God’s grace and wisdom in her circumstances. God is completely aware of her situation, and He is at work in her life.
Biblical Instruction
It would be beneficial to explore Genesis 3 with her to help her understand the consequences of the fall. When Adam and Eve sinned, certain things entered the world: shame, fear, hiding, covering up, blame-shifting, and excuse-making. And ever since the first marriage, we all suffer the consequences of Adam’s and Eve’s disobedience. There are no perfect marriages.
I will discuss her God-given roles in her marriage and how to live them out, even if her husband doesn’t fulfill his God-given roles. I would like to help her do what God calls her to do.
I mentioned earlier that she needs to look at the log in her own eye before addressing a speck in her husband’s eye. Has she contributed to the problem, and if so, how?
- Has she been demanding or shaming him into leading, rather than encouraging him? (Heb. 10:24)
- Belittling or impatient vs. being kind? (1 Cor. 13:4)
- Bad-mouthing her husband to the children or other people vs. building him up with her words? (Eph. 4:29)
- Has her husband tried to lead, but she’s not satisfied with his efforts, instead of being thankful he put forth effort? (1 Thess. 5:16-18)
- When her husband voices his opinions, does she respond critically vs. respectfully? (1 Pet. 3:8-9)
- Does she really want to be led vs. wanting to be in charge? (Gen. 3:16)
Or has she been hesitant to talk to her husband for fear of confrontation? If this is the case, she also needs to repent. As his helper, she should want to help him give a good account before the Lord. She is to communicate biblically with her husband, asking him to assess how she is living out her role and expressing her desires regarding his role, then leaving the results up to the Lord—no nagging or pressuring him.
God is developing Christ-like qualities in her that can only be developed in the furnace of suffering. Let’s explore what God is teaching her and how He is transforming her in the midst of her struggles. God is graciously deepening her love for Him as well as her dependence on Him. He’s exposing her lack of trust and exposing sin in her heart. He’s developing perseverance, character, and hope (Rom. 5:3-5).
She has an opportunity to be a shining example of a godly wife as she displays the fruit of the Spirit in her marriage. She can pray daily for her husband and herself—that they would both hunger for God’s Word and live to please Him.
Concluding Thoughts
I will encourage my counselee to lovingly encourage and help her husband carry out God’s commands for him as a leader in the home. She should make it easy for him to lead her and praise his efforts when he does!
Ultimately, she is to find her joy in the Lord and depend on God’s grace to be sufficient as she chooses to faithfully obey and live for Him.
Questions for Reflection
- How have you been able to encourage a wife to fulfill her role in a less-than-ideal marriage?
- What would be the main thing you would want her to know and cling to in the midst of her difficult circumstances?
