“You just want to ruin my reputation!”
“You only think about yourself.”
“You are just feeling sorry for yourself.”
“You must really hate me.”
“You don’t care about me at all.”
“You’ve never loved me!”
What is the major problem with all of these statements? The issue is that they all communicate that we can know the heart motives of others. I know why you said that. I know why you did that. And because I believe I know your motives, I am sure you are the problem (and not me)!
Assuming Motives is Common
Your husband didn’t call when he said he would. You assume he must be upset with you, so you avoid him when he comes home. He assumes you are a cold-hearted wife.
A friend attends several events without inviting you along; you assume that obviously others are more important to her than you are, so you don’t reach out anymore. She doesn’t hear from you and assumes you are just moody.
You are fearful or confused in a certain situation, so you get quiet. The group you are with assumes you are willfully pouting for attention. They rebuke you for your sullen attitude.
Recently, I have been struck by several situations in which conflict was fueled by the tendency of people to assume another person’s motives. I have done this myself, and perhaps you have too.
Assuming Motives is Divisive
If I assume a negative motive, I will treat you as if that motive is fact, resulting in hurt and confusion. When I wrongly assume others’ motives, I create division rather than preserve the unity our Lord calls us to enjoy in the body of Christ.
As we see in God’s Word, assuming motives can even cause war. Consider the story in 2 Samuel 10. David tried to show kindness to Hanun the king by sending men to console him after the death of Hanun’s father. But others in Hanun’s confidence questioned that motive, assuming that the men sent by David to console Hanun actually intended to spy out the land. The so-called “spies” were then mistreated, and the result was a retaliatory war. Even though David’s motive was to bless Hanun, his motives were assumed to be evil, and war broke out.
Of course, the outstanding example of tragic assumption is found in the story of Jesus Christ. He came to the Earth with the noblest of motives—to honor and obey His Father. Nevertheless, He was wrongly accused and crucified as a criminal and “false” Messiah.
Assuming Motives is a Heart Issue
Why are we so quick to make negative assumptions of others’ motives? I think there could be several reasons:
- We recognize our own heart’s sinful motives, and we assume others have the same motives that we do. (Sometimes people do have evil motives—to harm us and do damage.)
- We may pridefully believe that we are discerning people and can clearly see what is “obviously” going on in someone’s heart.
- We fear others instead of loving them. Fear may protectively assume the worst, dwell on hurts, and recount offenses. 1 Corinthians 13:7 tells us that love believes all things; that is, love chooses to believe the best about other people rather than the worst whenever possible. Love gives someone the benefit of the doubt and does not jump to conclusions.
- We fail to distinguish between method and motive. We tend to judge another’s motive based on their method. When methods seem insensitive, we may assume that motives are evil. Do we let the enemy cause division because we assume we know another’s intent because their approach seems rude, confusing, or ungentle?
Assuming Motives is Addressed by God
God’s Word instructs us, “Therefore, do not go on passing judgment before the time, but wait until the Lord comes who will both bring to light the things hidden in the darkness and disclose the motives of men’s hearts; and then each man’s praise will come to him from God” (1 Cor. 4:5).
My personal “heart-check” verse when tempted toward assumption is Romans 14:4: “Who are you to judge the servant of another? To his own master he stands or falls; and he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand.”
How to Avoid Assuming Motives
So how can we personally “avoid passing judgment” and help others to do the same? Here are some suggestions:
- Ask the Lord to help you think clearly about what negative assumptions you have made.
- Ask yourself some questions. What is the evidence for my conclusions? Have I believed the best before assuming the worst?
- Offer observations only on specific behaviors that are visible and verifiable, rather than on motives (which are always unknown).
- Ask the person for more information and be willing to consider/understand their perspective. Ask clarifying questions instead of making accusatory statements.
- “What’s your thought process here? What do you mean by that?”
- “Help me understand.”
- “What don’t I know?”
- “Tell me more about how you see this.”
- Extend the benefit of charity; make graceful assumptions. Love calls us to regard others with hope rather than suspicion. Out of love for God and our brothers and sisters, we ought to grant them the same mercy and the same grace that we want to be granted ourselves. Let’s stop the cycle of judgment by leaning into the One who extends grace and love to us on a daily basis.
Questions for Reflection
How often do we completely misunderstand people because we are assuming motives that are not actually there? How often do we listen to those around us and build up a case, rather than asking clarifying questions? How often do we question our assumptions?
