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Responding to Your Spouse’s Sexual Sin – Part 1 of 9

July 21, 2013

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This is the first video in a nine part series entitled “True Betrayal: Overcoming the Betrayal of Your Spouse’s Sexual Sin.” True Betrayal has a complementing seminar entitled “False Love: Overcoming Sexual Sin from Pornography to Adultery.” For more information on either seminar, please follow the links provided.

The follow quotes are part of the teaching notes being referenced.

STEP 1
PREPARE yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually to face your suffering.

“I heard Gary come in, and I heard the boys greet their father. Normal sounds. But this wasn’t a normal household. Nothing was normal anymore. I wasn’t normal. All I could do was cry and ask questions. I was obsessed. Everyone would be fine if I could just move on. They could all just live their normal little lives with all the other normal people (p. 41)… Nothing surprised me anymore. Except me—I surprised me all the time (p. 177).” Gary & Mona Shriver in Unfaithful

“To abandon the relationship at this point, however, is akin to having a broken bone and not setting it. Broken relationships require attention as well. Failure to attend to this self-care can be crippling to future relationships. And if there are children involved, problems are inevitable. Whether you go or stay, it makes no difference. Mending will be required. And as painful as it is, there will be less pain and more effective healing when the fracture is dealt with as soon as possible (p. 54)… The irony of using divorce as a way to escape the inevitable grief is that it creates more (p. 59)… You’ll likely feel pressure from others to end your relationship as though that would end the emotional turmoil you’re in… Most therapists suggest you make no significant changes during the first year of recovery (p. 75). ” Stephanie Carnes in Mending a Shattered Heart

“During times of great difficulty, it’s common for people to neglect their own self-care… Feelings of shame or embarrassment often prevent a partner from turning to resources that could normally be a source of comfort (p. 105)… “[Testimony] I fluctuate between wanting to forgive him and filing divorce papers. I have always been the ‘stable’ one in our relationship and, recently, I feel like I’m going crazy (p. 37)… In general, it’s advisable not to make major decisions in the early days, unless you need to leave for your safety (p. 32). ” Stephanie Carnes in Mending a Shattered Heart

“Co-addicts may assume that when the sex addict gets into recovery, all their troubles will be over. They may think their problems are due solely to the sexual acting out and when that stops all other difficulties will stop. The problem is that they expect the sex addict to do all the work of recovery (p. 173).” Mark Laaser in Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction

“Most marriages in which both partners are committed to making the partnership work and go through the confession and repentance process usually survive and often become even more intimate (p. 347).” Doug Rosenau in A Celebration of Sex

“The spouse needs to realize he or she can contribute to the pain in many ways as well. One of the most common is whom they tell about the adultery and how they share that information… The truth is that those who are told all the details about the infidelity are rarely told all the details about the restoration process as it progresses. Yet we expect those same people to follow us on our path toward healing with only half the information. It is an unfairly placed burden on those who love us and want to protect us from harm (p. 117)… As a general rule of thumb, we suggest that as much of the pain as you have shared with others, that much of the healing process also needs to be shared with those same people (p. 252).” Gary & Mona Shriver in Unfaithful

For the “How to Talk to Children When Sexual Sin Affects the Family” appendix click here: Appendix Talking to Children When Sexual Sin Affects the Family

Blog post “How to End an Extra-Marital Relationship” (referenced as Appendix B from the False Love seminar)